


Diana vs. Terror

by KriegsaffeNo9



Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Crack, Evil Hannah And Barbara(tm), Gen, Home Alone chicanery, Injury to the Eye Motif, Movie Night, Scary Movies, The violence happens outside of the movies described fyi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 16:25:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14719571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KriegsaffeNo9/pseuds/KriegsaffeNo9
Summary: Diana decides to sit in on one of Constanze's horror movie marathons and gets a little more than she's bargained for.  What happens when Hannah and Barbara come a-knockin' the next morning?You better believe it, another mini-fic suggested by the Chill LWA discord.  Again, this went a weird direction.





	Diana vs. Terror

Deep in the recesses of Constanze's laboratory, Constanze was arranging a horror movie playlist while the rest of the crew prepared snacks or made convenient expository dialog. Let's listen in on them as they take a seat on one of the longer sittin' couches, shall we?

"Last week," Akko said, "she threw a big doll-movie shindig! Puppet Master 2, Demonic Toys, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, Devil Dolls, Dangerous Worry Dolls, Skull Heads, Doll Graveyard... what was the one that wasn't by Charles Band?"

"Black Devil Doll from Hell," Sucy said. "That was good times. ... oh, and Bride of Chucky."

"Of all the dolls to settle down and get married," Lotte said, with a huff.

"How did you fit all of those in to one night?" Diana said.

"Oh, Sucy just put together a clip show of all the Charles Band ones. Sixty minutes of..." Akko pondered her next words. "...stuff with killer dolls."

"If he's not got a boner for tiny monsters, I'll buy a hat to eat the hat," Sucy said. "Speaking of. Hey, Jasminka, how's the meatbread coming along?"

"The kulebyaka is warming up nicely!" Jazzy said, seated in front of the oven, head in her hands as she watched the bread brown. "It's beautiful. Just beautiful."

"Spectacular. Diana, are you going to be drinking? Because I sure as hell am and I suggest you do too." She bit the cap off a bottle of Coke Zero, took a quick sip, and filled the rest up with a pour from a frosty bottle of Fireball Whiskey, imported at no real expense from America.

"I wasn't planning on it, no," Diana said. "I can't take Xanax and drink the same night. For safety, you see."

"You're on the 'nax right now?"

"I am," Diana said, adjusting her collar. "I was feeling anxious earlier to a distracting degree. Thus, no alcohol."

"Suit yo'self."

"...to treating my anxiety?"

Sucy shrugged.

Constanze plugged in the projector, and the image of a Blu-Ray player's idle screen appeared on the white sheet she had tacked up on the wall. She pulled up an itinerary of the night's movies:

6 PM: THE DOLL-FACED SLASHMASTER  
7:25: SASQUATCH VS. SHAKEYCAM  
9: AREA 51 PARKINSON'S CAMERAMAN DUNGEON CRAWL  
10:20: intermission  
10:30: ABBOT AND COSTELLO MEET THE SLENDER MAN: THE OFFICIAL MARBLE HORNETS MOVIE  
12:10: FABBOT AND COCKSFELLOW MATE WITH THE TWINKER MAN: THE OFFICIAL MARBLE HORNETS PORN PARODY

"Wow, they went all-out with a title and everything!" Akko said.

Constanze flipped to a different slide. "The actual title," it read, with a Google Images result for a DVD graphic reading "This Ain't the Marble Hornets Movie: The Official Marble Hornets Movie XXX Porn Parody."

"Awww," Akko said.

"I've only ever seen one horror movie before," Diana said. "I admit I liked it. How would any of these compare to IT, would you say?"

Akko opened her mouth and Sucy slapped her hand over it. "Shhhh," she whispered. "Let her discover."

"Mm mmemt," Akko said.

"Food's done!" Jasminka said, plating her salmon-stuffed bread.

"Ditto!" Amanda said, remembering to pour the bagged popcorn into bowls to look fancier.

"Alright," Diana said, settling in to her seat. "Take me away, magic of cinema."

* * *

Akko was still giggling when they reached Diana's dorm room. "Man, I think the sasquatch one was my favorite. I mean, why did they think bigfeet protecting us from goatmen made either of those things scarier?"

Diana smiled. "Not the best twist they could've gone with, no."

"Though, man, those kill effects on Slashmaster, huh? Where she just layed the knives on their necks and fwip! off they go, flying in opposite directions super fast with no blood. Oh, and when she whipped that lady she was in love with by gently laying those whips on her."

"Hah, yes. They didn't try very hard."

"What was your favorite part, Di?"

"You know, I think I'll have to sleep on it," Diana said, kissing Akko. "Goodnight, Akko dearest."

"Nighty-night, babe!" Akko said, kissing her back, popping her foot for emphasis. She skipped off down the hall, as happy as she always was after kissing Diana.

Diana watched her vanish around a corner. She held her hand an inch away from the knob, wondering if someone might have welded a razor blade to it while she was out, and closed down only on a smooth brass knob. She held her breath as she stepped into her room.

No possums today. No cameras--and she turned her phone off when she realized it was possible, with a few accidental thumb-presses, to start recording. The sky was clear and the stars fixed. And there hadn't been a serious foresting effort in Luna Nova for nearly three decades, not since the Dryad Murders. So no, there was no threat.

Nothing threatening at all.

Absolutely nothing would or could harm her.

She was Diana Cavendish, for Mormo's sake.

She showered with the door open and a spirit sentry guarding the open door. Not because she was scared. Just... cautious.

Without cameras, UFOs and bigfeet and disembodied goat legs and flickering faceless men may as well be on Mars (especially the UFOs). But beautiful, deranged maniacs--perhaps with a scary doll mask and an assortment of impossibly sharp cutting tools--did not require a first-person camera. One could be waiting in her bedroom, ready to erotically murder her or perhaps to gently whip her into submission.

She opened the door to her bedroom just wide enough to stick her wand through and cast " _Sealladh batain_." The sound-image of her room, bereft of life and silent in repose, filled her head, and she stepped through, ready to throw flame on anything that would dare slither from beneath her bed to kill or molest or killest her.

Nothing did. She whistled and her spirit sentry crept into the room, its many bladed tendrils waving in the air, its acid-dripping jaws leaving smoking puddles on the carpet she would repair later.

She changed into her nightgown, took an extra .25g of Xanax, and climbed into her covers, closing her eyes and willing herself to calm down.

Ten sweaty, terrified minutes later, and she raised her head off her pillow and said, "Precautions must be taken."

* * *

At five in the morning, Hannah and Barbara crept through the hallway, a serving tray in Hannah's hand, a wrapped present in Barbara's.

"This will end well," Hannah said.

"If you can stop from saying something stupid like you always do," Barbara said.

"Fuck you," Hannah said.

"Fuck _you_ ," Barbara said. She took two quick steps and arrived at Diana's door. She grabbed the doorknob and turned it.

Iron spines grew between every joint in her hand and her elbow, locking them in place. After a moment, her fancy new wounds began trickling blood.

"Help," she said, looking at Hannah. She sank to her knees, arm twisting as she slid to a new position.

Hannah pointed at her and laughed.

"It huuuurts," Barbara said, consciousness slipping away. She half-lay on the ground, held up by her ankylosed iron-shattered arm.

Humming, Hannah cast a telekewhatsis spell and turned the knob, tearing a meaty hole in Barbara's wrist. She took a moment to stomp all over Barbara's present and break her nose with a swift kick before tiptoeing into the room. "Hello, Diana!" Hannah said, creeping through Diana's room en route to the bed. "Barbara was too lazy to come, so I'm here to bring you breakfast in be--"

An incorporeal tripwire snapped, naked force striking her in the cheek below her right eye with such strength it popped her eye clear of its socket; her agonized drawing of breath sucked her liberated eye into her mouth, and the sudden blockage triggered a reflexive bite and swallow.

Hannah felt her eye slide down her throat and into her belly.

She spat out the end of her optic nerve, tried to smile, and said, "Diana, could you help me please? There's been a terrible accident." She set her serving tray on a small table--at the time it seemed the right thing to do--and stumbled forward, around the bend, and heard the _thwip_ of a crossbow an instant before it struck her between her ribs. Grappling spikes deployed, rupturing a bunch of vital organs, and in her last moments of life she realized she was being dragged along at high speeds by a rope tied to the end of the crossbow bolt.

And when she flew through Diana's bedroom's door, she heard the start of Diana shouting "Not today!" before Diana swung the arming sword at her neck, slicing her head clean off.

Diana swung her blade fast enough to clean it of blood and returned it to the sheathe at her hip. The crossbow construct finished reeling in its rope and vanished, as a magic construct do.

"Today you have made your last mist..." she said.

Then she recognized the severed, one-eyed head staring up at the ceiling.

"...oh."

* * *

"Why isn't my eye back?" Hannah said, poking at her eyepatch.

"I'm afraid it was already a lost cause by the time I reattached your head," Diana said. "It'll be a few days before the eye-regrowth potion will be ready, I apologize for that. I apologize to both of you, in fact, that was terribly short-sighted of me."

Diana had spent the past hour patching them up. The red one had been dead a short enough time that it didn't take too much mana to resurrect her--only three full wand charges' worth, spread out over a lengthy ritual to Shub-Niggurath--and in the grand scheme of things the blue one had relatively easy injuries to heal. The two were seated in the foyer as Diana finished up her spells.

"It's alright," Barbara said, sucking on a stigmata-like scar left behind on her wrist. "It was worth a little discomfort to experience healing from the one-and-only Diana Cavendish."

"Here," Diana said, stepping away a moment. "I feel like I've dis-earned these little tarts you made." She made sure to not look at either of them so as to not have to guess which one did the cooking. "They'll help you feel better."

Hannah forced a smile. "No thank you, I'm not hung--" Barbara crammed a handful into her mouth and wrestled her to the floor, hand over her mouth and her nose pinched between Barbara's fingers.

"Eat it, you slut," Barbara said.

Crying, Hannah choked down the heavily-roofied tarts.

"That's how you do it, you--"

Hannah liberated her wand and cast a telekinesis spell, sending roofie cakes into Barbara's baked good orifice. "Hmrrrph! You--" The two engaged in a limp, bitter fistfight.

"It's the damnedest thing..." Diana said. "Those traps should only have been set off by hostile intent. I could've sworn... ah, I wasn't in my clearest mind last night. You can be on your way. I'll be sure to get the potion to you when it's ready..." She took a gamble on a name. "Geoffrey?"

The red and blue ones were unconscious, snoring on the floor Diana whispered her own telekinesis spell and pushed them out of the room, closing the door behind them. She leaned against the closed door, inhaled, exhaled... and felt a thrill rise in her chest.

"Mother Mormo," she said, "that was such great fun."

* * *

"That was... you liked it?" Akko said later in the commons room.

"Yes!" Diana said, practically jumping out of her boots. "I was terrified! But now in the daylight, when I can be objective... I feel so alive. It was like how a roller coaster is supposed to feel, or like a broom race when everything's on the line. I was so... alive!" She spun around Akko for emphasis. "Please, show me more. I feel like I've missed out on this all my life."

"Sure thing," Akko said, texting Constanze. "hey cons! Diana thought the movies were t i t s! find some not too scary one s so she diesnt' die when we show her a good one. *doesn' t"

"Can do," Constanze said. In the Cons Cave, she turned to a vast blackboard of horror movies listed by challenge rating and began to assemble a crash course in terror.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the hallway outside Diana's room, Hannah continued eating Barbara's hair in her sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> The horror movies mentioned are all based on direct-to-DVD movies I've rented from Redbox, as I've forgotten most of their names, I admit.
> 
> None of them were good.
> 
> Also, every last one of those doll movies exists, and most of them were made by the same man.


End file.
